Reflecting on my life as an Air Force "Brat"

Independent filmmaker Donna Musil has created a documentary about military brats. I was moved to tears watching just a minute of the clip. The description of the film alone makes me cry. Those of us who can't answer the question, "So, where are you from?" get it. Boy, do we get it. Our lives growing up were inexplicably different from those of the friends we developed later in life, after our military parent(s) retired from the service. Even civilian kids that move frequently can't relate to the lives we experienced. I remember so clearly the tension and quiet panic when living in Manila when President Marcos declared martial law. We were prisoners in our homes, unable to even go out in the small yard for days. I remember when my best friend and I realized that our phone was tapped and we could hear the "observers" on the other end before placing a call. We were wicked and had some fun at their expense. Our relationship with extended family gradually waned with longer stretches of time between personal contact. Our home was run in a very dictatorial, military fashion. It was not happy. I remember coming back to the states and being terrified to speak to civilian kids. Everything about them was different - the way they spoke to each other, the slang they used, their music, their clothes...it was terrifying. I was teased because of my perceived accent, having lived in the deep south, followed by Southeast Asia, then New York. I assumed I would eventually marry someone in the service so that I could return to my life the way I knew it and was comfortable.

I've been in my current home now for 18 years. There are times that I can't believe it and want to run anywhere else. I rearrange furniture, paint rooms wildly different colours, even rearrange art between rooms to give me the sense of change. I find it odd that my children will have gone to school with the same kids for their entire academic lives. What must that feel like?

Rambling again. Sigh. In the meantime, I will enjoy running into friends at the grocery store. I will work at developing friendships, harder now that I don't have a job outside the home, but critical to my sanity! Perhaps I will find a way to include some of this renewed sense of my earlier years into a piece of art. That would be good.

I've got icing on my cake!

I've loosely quoted artist Lisa Vollrath here a couple of times because she means business when she writes and it all hits home for me. On her website, she writes about art not being a competitive sport, noting that if our art makes us happy, it has served it's purpose. If others express some pleasure or appreciation for our art, that's icing on the cake. This most recent piece of mine elicited some icing. Woohoo! I suppose it's not as important as my own appreciation for it (and I really love this one if I do say so myself), but it's still nice to have others express an appreciation for it as well. I am motivated to do more.

I did it! I finished a project!!

The self-kicking (and a little help from a cyber pal :-) got me in gear. I pulled out a piece that I started ages and ages ago and just couldn't figure out how to finish. I tore the studio apart (it's really quite dreadful), pulling out fabric, tearing it, painting, stitching, re-thinking process when the stitching broke - argh - but getting it done. I think this is actually my favourite of all the pieces I've made, in part because it's different and out-of-the-box for me. The pics are quickies without proper lighting, but I promised myself that I'd post a photo today, so I'm doing it. What a great feeling! I should have whomped on my own behind much sooner.

I'm trying too hard

Ever since my friend asked me to contribute two art pieces for a fundraiser/auction for the Boys and Girls Club next month, I've been making myself nuts. On the one hand, I've really wanted to get back to making my art dolls (how I choke on that term), but also feel compelled to try something different. The frozen state of mind I've been experiencing for days should be a big, fat loud signal to stop trying so hard. Stop trying to do some of everything, stop feeling frantic about how to do it all, stop behaving as if I just had that one more bit, piece or product in the studio, I could do something fresh. I haven't even written here because I've been floundering so much that my brain just stops when I sit down to write.

So I'm taking a two minute break here, then I'm going into the studio. I'm not going to buy one more piece of fabric, glue, paint, bead, wire, or tool. I've got enough to keep me busy for bloody ever. I will show respect for my friends and supporters and everything they have said to inspire and encourage me, I will throw on my "making art" clothes and work until it's time to pick up Kevin from school. So there!

Tomorrow, I'm going to post a picture of whatever I've accomplished. No more freaking out, no more worrying or comparing myself to others. Time for just enough pressure on myself to do SOMETHING and create a deadline to get that something done, even if it's just the commitment to post the picture.

Until tomorrow.....

Change is hard!

I don't even know where to begin. I've really been struggling for a long time now with so many facets of my life. I feel like I'm getting old so fast and falling apart at the seams. I feel frumpy and dumpy, especially when I have to attend events with the Uber rich in Orange County (the most painful social gatherings for me!). As I've fussed about before, I stress about sharing my artwork because it's so personal and I haven't practiced tolerating criticism.

The first thing I decided to do to get OUT of this slump was to give up control of the things I've been doing that have NOT been working for me and trust friends and experts who may have alternative suggestions. I found myself going back to a hair salon that I used to frequent. I've known the owner/stylist for ten years and was comfortable sharing some of my worries. He looked me in the face, asked me how direct he could be (I told him to be brutal) and he said that he felt that I was just letting life happen to me and that he felt if I could give in to some changes, both outside and inside and with which he would love to work with me, he thinks I would feel less burdened and maybe even start to blossom. What the heck. My way hasn't produced. So I just gave him free reign to play. The result is that for the first time since I was four years old, I'm blonde! Eeeeeeeeeek! It will take some getting used to and I may decide I can't take it, but it's liberating to let go of some of that stress and feeling of same old same old. (Is that the right way to type it?).

I'm so proud of my sister Lisa who has taken a HUGE leap with her artwork and found a market for it in Minnesota. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for her and feeling inspired. My dearest friend Deb, in an effort to help me feel more comfortable sharing my work, has asked me to create two art dolls for a benefit auction for the local Girls and Boys Club. I have about a month and am actually really excited to have this "homework" and a deadline. I'm going to focus on changing my attitude and increasing my confidence. I shall remind myself that this isn't a competition, art is supposed to be fun and I'm not half bad.

With Kevin in high school, jazz band and marching band, I have found myself overwhelmed with trying to fit in all the housework and chores along with all of the running him around all over the place. I haven't done a thing in the studio for a few weeks. I look at other friends (I'm thinking of Amy in CO right now) who has two kids and a lot of activities, but still does her voice over stuff and improv. I should certainly be able to manage making an ATC after I vacuum!

Thank you Lisa, Al, Deb and Amy for helping me.