What was the point?

I was so proud of myself contributing two pieces of my artwork to the Boys & Girls Club auction event this past weekend. This is the favorite of all of the art dolls I've made. Showing my work in public and having my name on it was really, really hard for me. However, my husband, in his effort to make me feel good, decided he was going to bid on the work so that he could buy one or both pieces for his display in his office. I didn't even get the chance to see if there was any interest or what others may have felt was a reasonable bid for the artwork of someone they didn't know. All I know is that he made high enough bids that he "won" both pieces. I don't even know if there was a single bid on either piece.

He just didn't get it. How does one sigh on ones blog?

Inspiration requires waterproof mascara

Inspired to try something new after watching a show about artists, I wandered into our local (and usually sadly lacking) fabric & craft store. I found a few books that I thought would encourage exploring materials I don't usually work with and figured, what the heck, they would be good reading while I sat waiting (and waiting and waiting) in the car to pick up Kevin after school. I can't say I've ever been moved by an art or craft book to the point of tears, but I was - twice in two days - with the book, "Taking Flight" by Kelly Rae Roberts. She wrote in my voice, articulating my thoughts and fears and worries, but also encouraged pushing to get beyond those things that hold us back. I must admit that this is the first time I've ever read one of my art books from cover to cover. I cried in the car (thank goodness for dark sunglasses), and then got weepy again this morning as I read. The realization that I'm not alone in these very specific fears gave me a sense of inspiration that I have not experienced before. I totally related to her expression of fear of producing art that people might not like, or that they might not want to buy. I have a real fear of others thinking that I've got real nerve putting a dollar figure on my work because it's not worthy. I am nervous about attending a class or workshop, worried that I'll be the only person in the room with no ideas, I won't know anyone, will feel like a dork sitting by myself at lunch - all the silly stuff that we experience in junior high! Kelly made specific suggestions to get past all of this, including online groups and getting up the courage to attend classes and workshops. While I've asked my friend Amy, and will ask Susie M, to attend as well, I am determined to break out and go whether it's with friends there or alone. Truthfully, it would be more fun with friends (especially because the courses all teach stuff outside of all our areas of experience), but I think I'll have tons of fun anyway.

I owe Kelly Rae Roberts a big, fat thank you.

Jekyll & Hyde blogs

Life isn't so great these days. I feel like I should have a second and very secret, private blog where the ugly and grouchy "Hyde" me can just rant and fuss and complain and rant some more about everything that makes me miserable so that I can stick to the topic of art and good stuff in life on this one. The problem is finding a way to be sure that the Hyde blog gets blown up at some point so no one thinks this is all I am - a pile of ticked off grumpiness.

OK, got that out of my system.

I finished my piece for the fundraiser auction and turned it over to them. That was a really, really big step for me. I've also invested in a few new books with information about stuff I've never tried before so that I can push myself out of the comfort zone and expand the old artsy horizons. Today, I'm going to start another ATC and try some new medium. What fun! It'll be a small project that will give me a sense of satisfaction quickly. I'm also going to contact a few long-distance artsy friends to see if I can talk them into the Art & Soul gig in Portland next October. That would be a blast! Oooh, I can be positive when I try. ;-)

Reflecting on my life as an Air Force "Brat"

Independent filmmaker Donna Musil has created a documentary about military brats. I was moved to tears watching just a minute of the clip. The description of the film alone makes me cry. Those of us who can't answer the question, "So, where are you from?" get it. Boy, do we get it. Our lives growing up were inexplicably different from those of the friends we developed later in life, after our military parent(s) retired from the service. Even civilian kids that move frequently can't relate to the lives we experienced. I remember so clearly the tension and quiet panic when living in Manila when President Marcos declared martial law. We were prisoners in our homes, unable to even go out in the small yard for days. I remember when my best friend and I realized that our phone was tapped and we could hear the "observers" on the other end before placing a call. We were wicked and had some fun at their expense. Our relationship with extended family gradually waned with longer stretches of time between personal contact. Our home was run in a very dictatorial, military fashion. It was not happy. I remember coming back to the states and being terrified to speak to civilian kids. Everything about them was different - the way they spoke to each other, the slang they used, their music, their clothes...it was terrifying. I was teased because of my perceived accent, having lived in the deep south, followed by Southeast Asia, then New York. I assumed I would eventually marry someone in the service so that I could return to my life the way I knew it and was comfortable.

I've been in my current home now for 18 years. There are times that I can't believe it and want to run anywhere else. I rearrange furniture, paint rooms wildly different colours, even rearrange art between rooms to give me the sense of change. I find it odd that my children will have gone to school with the same kids for their entire academic lives. What must that feel like?

Rambling again. Sigh. In the meantime, I will enjoy running into friends at the grocery store. I will work at developing friendships, harder now that I don't have a job outside the home, but critical to my sanity! Perhaps I will find a way to include some of this renewed sense of my earlier years into a piece of art. That would be good.

I've got icing on my cake!

I've loosely quoted artist Lisa Vollrath here a couple of times because she means business when she writes and it all hits home for me. On her website, she writes about art not being a competitive sport, noting that if our art makes us happy, it has served it's purpose. If others express some pleasure or appreciation for our art, that's icing on the cake. This most recent piece of mine elicited some icing. Woohoo! I suppose it's not as important as my own appreciation for it (and I really love this one if I do say so myself), but it's still nice to have others express an appreciation for it as well. I am motivated to do more.

I did it! I finished a project!!

The self-kicking (and a little help from a cyber pal :-) got me in gear. I pulled out a piece that I started ages and ages ago and just couldn't figure out how to finish. I tore the studio apart (it's really quite dreadful), pulling out fabric, tearing it, painting, stitching, re-thinking process when the stitching broke - argh - but getting it done. I think this is actually my favourite of all the pieces I've made, in part because it's different and out-of-the-box for me. The pics are quickies without proper lighting, but I promised myself that I'd post a photo today, so I'm doing it. What a great feeling! I should have whomped on my own behind much sooner.

I'm trying too hard

Ever since my friend asked me to contribute two art pieces for a fundraiser/auction for the Boys and Girls Club next month, I've been making myself nuts. On the one hand, I've really wanted to get back to making my art dolls (how I choke on that term), but also feel compelled to try something different. The frozen state of mind I've been experiencing for days should be a big, fat loud signal to stop trying so hard. Stop trying to do some of everything, stop feeling frantic about how to do it all, stop behaving as if I just had that one more bit, piece or product in the studio, I could do something fresh. I haven't even written here because I've been floundering so much that my brain just stops when I sit down to write.

So I'm taking a two minute break here, then I'm going into the studio. I'm not going to buy one more piece of fabric, glue, paint, bead, wire, or tool. I've got enough to keep me busy for bloody ever. I will show respect for my friends and supporters and everything they have said to inspire and encourage me, I will throw on my "making art" clothes and work until it's time to pick up Kevin from school. So there!

Tomorrow, I'm going to post a picture of whatever I've accomplished. No more freaking out, no more worrying or comparing myself to others. Time for just enough pressure on myself to do SOMETHING and create a deadline to get that something done, even if it's just the commitment to post the picture.

Until tomorrow.....