Oh ugh, what a day! I have struggled for a few years now with a back that is just wearing out. For eight years, I worked in a spine center with the most wonderful spine surgeons and pain management doctors. My boss would tease me that I was "bad marketing" when I injured my back and was hobbling around bent over and just miserable. I insisted I was GREAT marketing because our patients knew that I could really relate to their pain! I've got two discs in my lower spine that are just not behaving. Sometimes the bulges are worse and putting more pressure on nerves than other days. Some days I just get one big, fat muscle spasm that feels like someone kicked me in the back with wicked cowboy boots. Today is one of those days, started with a breakfast of coffee, toast and meds to try to release that wicked spasm. Oh, yum.
So here I lay, surrounded by the laptop, sketchpad, pen and pencil, remote control for the tv (I need voices other than my own talking to the cats), phone, a novel and a heating pad. The manufacturer clearly expected this heating pad could double as a roaster, even on low. Ouch! So I keep having to turn it off and on so that I don't turn my caboose into a well-done hunk of moo.
I'm so very excited to begin a new art adventure with my cyber-mentor and friend Debbie. I'm terrified at the same time to open that door. This causes me to think about my younger sister Victoria who passed away a year ago just before her 47th birthday. I was convinced that she didn't try anything (a job, finishing high school, etc.) because she was afraid to fail. If she never tried, she couldn't fail. That's what I'm afraid about with art. I am terrified that if I try, I'll be discovered to be a big fat fraud. But I just can't let my fear of failure stop me from trying and learning. I keep telling myself that the worst that can happen is that I realize how much work I need to do to improve. If I make art out of a love of creating something and just expressing myself, I can't fail. It's not a test. That will be my mantra. Art is not a test. Art is not a test.
I'm still a scared big baby. But I'll face my fear and move ahead. I may cover my eyes now and then, but I'll still move ahead.
