December 23, 2012

Turning Tables

My family and I continue to slog through trying to get our new house in order when we're all gone so many hours of the day.  It has finally dawned on me how life is going to change in 2014, both as a mom and an artist. 

Along with a few holiday greeting cards for the few people that have our new address, my son has been receiving notices from colleges about items he still needs to turn in to complete his application file.  It's hit me.  He's leaving.  Now I'm trying to type with vision blurred by tears.

Yesterday I was going through the last box to unpack in the master bedroom.  I found one of my old journals and flipped through a few pages.  This volume was started while I was in my 7th year as an infertility patient, documenting a recent miscarriage (my third), and my 5th and final pregnancy.  Much of it was spent in the hospital emergency department or in bed for more than four months, trying to hang on for as long as possible.  I read with tears in my eyes that I hoped my child would one day know how very much we wanted him and how so very hard we worked to keep him alive.  Now he's applying to colleges.  Where did the time go?

So while I am spending up to four hours in the car every day, two of those are spent with him just talking about learning to drive, politics, news, party planning...  I've been selfishly focused a lot on how I have NO time to do anything creative, spending my time behind the wheel or in the grocery store or cleaning up cat barf (thank you Tabitha, I'm never bored).  Next fall, I will have much more time for making art than I ever have before.  Today, I'm not sure how I feel about the impending change.  I'll be an artist first, then mom when the kids have time for me.  The table is turning.  I hope I'm ready.