Loneliness Stinks

Three and half years have passed since I left a fabulous job at the hospital to be a stay-at-home mom and artist.  In that time, I've done too little.  Worse, I've lost nearly all human contact and, for whatever reason, am really struggling with that issue this week.  The holidays are always fun in our home, though sparsely attended.  Usually the table is set for just my husband and, if I'm lucky, both of my kids are present and accounted for.  We play goofy board games, watch seasonal movies and just have a lot of fun goofing off.  Last year I turned 50 and that meant a MOB at the table, with family flying in from all corners of the country.  What fun!  But my in-laws live hundreds of miles and many states away, and my sister lives across the country and the economic environment has put quite the damper on travel for everyone.  Sigh.

So what do I do?  I feel like I did in high school.  Frequently the new kid (many times as I was a military brat), I would watch clusters of friends that had known each other for years, and I just couldn't seem to wiggle my way into the crowd.  What would it have been like to go to school with the same kids for more than three years?  I'm very outgoing and have a lot of fun talking with people, so it isn't a matter of being shy.  My husband's staff insist that I, "the party," am included in their office lunches so that they spend the hour (plus) goofing and laughing, so it's not that I'm dull.  And contrary to the tone of my blog, my spill-my-guts place, I'm quite the goof in person.  So what is it?!?  I just always feel like the odd girl out.  I have no artsy or craftsy friends locally, as I've fussed about before.  They've got to be out there somewhere.  I'm losing my sanity being alone so much, holding full-fledged conversations with cats.  THAT is the true sign of insanity.

While I've joked about placing an advertisement in the "Want" ads for artsy friends, there's a part of me that is thinking there's got to be a way to do such a thing.  Where do I begin?

Here kitty, kitty, kitty.  I need a chat.

Moving Day

The mom and artist tangled today.  On the artist front, it was with mixed emotions that I started moving the contents of my studio from what had been my son's small (8'x10') bedroom when he was younger (he now resides in what had been big sister's room when she was home) to the garage.  On the mom side, my "Boomerang" daughter will be moving back home in December, but she spends so many nights here already that I thought it would be nice to start making the indoor studio more like a special room for her.  We don't know how long she will be with us, though I imagine it will likely be a year or so.  She is struggling with her first semester of graduate school after ending a long relationship, wrapping up a temporary position and applying like mad for a full time position.  Trying to find a job in this economy is a nightmare.  So for now, she'll be back home and I'll enjoy having her company.  We're going to do some serious bridal-tv-watching together.  The boys in the house aren't going to know what hit them.  Bahaha!

The new digs

Trying to make due in the garage is going to be a challenge.  The good news is that I get terrific internet reception on my Mac.  I regret I'll be losing my fabulous wide screen digital tv, but I'm NOT going to pay to have a cable line dropped in the garage for a year.  I can always stream on the internet if I need to hear human voices, or pop a DVD into the computer.  What the heck, I'll just work with the garage door open and chat with neighbors as they pass on their walks.  I may make new friends :-)  It will be a while before they realize they'd better change their route if they want to make good time on their trek.  Ooh, maybe I'll put a coffee pot out there and lure new friends in with the smell of freshly brewed espresso.  I papered the walls with my inspiration images, put up my cork boards and white board, set up my Bernina and connected all things electrical.  I'm good to go.

There are likely to be some distractions outside, such as things like the Goodyear blimp.  I was thinking, "That is the loudest, slowest plane in the universe!" when I stepped outside the garage and saw this visitor passing by...

In any event, not a day goes by that I don't appreciate all that is good in life.  I'm only 12 years younger than my mother was when she passed away and remind myself every day that she dreamed a lot, but didn't DO.  I want to do.  OK, I know that's bad grammar, but it's true.  I had a great day this last week dodging the phone, computer and television and look forward to another day like that tomorrow.  Time to work on a holiday project.  Woohoo!

Studio Time Turned Errand Time

I had good intentions.  First, I find NO paper in the house for the printer.  Four people use the paper and printer and not one goober could wave the flag to tell me that they'd taken the last of it, so errand #1 was to get paper.  Then my distractible self saw Cost Plus and I just KNEW there was something I intended to pick up there, but couldn't remember what so I wandered through the store, growing increasingly stressed at the sight of all of the Christmas goodies and the long mental list of things I need to do to get ready for Christmas, so I ran out with empty hands.  Then there was the trip to the grocery store for specific items for a wonderful dinner.  During the grocery trip, my husband called while on a break from stressful board meetings to say that he wants to go out for dinner tonight and reminded me that the daughter for whom I planned this particular dinner has grad school classes tonight.  Duh.  I should have remembered.  Of course it's just as well since the majority of ingredients I needed were either unavailable or inedible.  I ask myself, how can I live in CA and not be able to find a single avocado in the store that I can eat in the next two days?  They're like rocks!  Grrr.  Oh, and I was reminded that yes, there ARE shirts to pick up at the cleaners.  I feel like the maid.

Everyone is on notice.  Tomorrow I will not answer the phone or check in on Facebook.  I am plotting a couple of art projects that are just for the family, so there's no pressure to produce a marketable anything.  I am going to take the great advice I've been offered in the last day and just make something, be creative and have fun.  THEN I'll go to another store and try to find a stupid avocado.

Another Brain Freeze

What is wrong with me?  I have the urge to be creative, but sit here with my brain permanently in "park" mode and unable to move ahead.  I started thinking about making holiday gifts, but then I wonder what I could make that someone would actually want to receive.  I think friends and family like my quilts, but it's November (reminder: start making quilts in January!), so that's not a real option.  I look at all the magazines and "how to" books that I've got that cover every medium known to mankind, but the first thing I think is, "What would someone do with this???"

Yesterday I read a blog written by someone that reminded me of myself.  She loves being artsy and craftsy and is drawn to publications about creativity, in awe of the super talents and prolific work of so many others.  Yet, like me, she feared looking too closely or spending too much time exploring others' work for fear that her own ideas and art would be influenced by the work of another artist.  Then there's the part of me that is like a deer in headlights.  I'm surrounded by artistic materials and, more often than not, have the time to be creative but do nothing.  It's depressing.

Today I will at least explore some resources for artistic prompts.  I'm wasting time, wasting opportunity and need a nudge.  OK, I need a really big kick and a shove.

A Dream or a Plan?

While I rarely watch bad daytime television, I had the TV on while folding laundry (so much for making art) the other day, unable to find the remote control to change the channel.  I was about to turn it off when I heard Dr. Phil ask someone if they had a dream or a plan, and said that the difference between the two was that a plan has a timeline. A plan means setting dates and deadlines and then checking in to see if progress is being made.  I'm grateful for my most artsy friend Debbie, whom I can fuss about the frustration and who always has kind and positive words to get me back on track.

What can I do to turn my dreams into a plan?  I guess it's time to work on that timeline, or at least on establishing the next single step in that timeline in the hope of creating a real artsy life and (hopefully) business.  Deadlines and I have never gotten along in the sandbox, but it's time to try.  If at first we don't succeed, it's a bad idea to keep doing the same thing over and over again that failed!

Published! Sort of....

Last year (or was it the year before?) a friend sent me a link with a video featuring the sketchbook project by the Art House Co-op in Brooklyn.  While visiting their site, I discovered an upcoming project, a project about which I agonized (because that's what I do best) with respect to participating.  I butched up, signed up and participated.  Now after a long, long, LOOONGGG wait, the book for the project has arrived.

Every participant was given three words for which they were to produce a visual definition.  The words were submitted by the general public, and were selected randomly.  One of the three canvases of each participant was to be reproduced in a booklet containing these digital images.  They chose my canvas illustrating the word "atmosphere."  I think there's a picture in the way-back-pages of my blog.  Anyway, the book arrived today and I'm so excited.  It's silly given that all I had to do was participate to be published, but I don't care!  It's a book and it has my name in it, so I'm have a celebratory glass of chardonnay.  Like I needed an excuse ;-)

To Etsy or Not To Etsy?

When I left my full time job at the hospital a whopping three and a half years ago, many of my co-workers expressed concern for my sanity. They know that I'm a social beast and inquired about how I would occupy my time and fulfill my need to interact with real people. My expectation, as silly as it seems now, was that I would create art during the hours my son was in school and be super mom and carpool queen when he was home. I had discovered etsy.com and wanted to open a shop within six months of having left the job, sure I could do that with nothing but time on my hands. That is NOT what happened.

What did happen was that I discovered that as a family, we have way too much stuff. That stuff is constantly being left where it doesn't belong, or it's dirty and needs cleaning, or that it needs to be repaired, returned, or replaced. I live the life of an around-the-clock personal assistant to the clan and spend too little time making art.

Yesterday was my birthday. My husband asked me now that I had reached the age of (choke) 51, had I any grand words of wisdom to share about what I felt about life, what I had learned, or some other silly thing. Actually, I had been thinking about it. My mother died at age 63, my younger sister just days before turning 47, my paternal grandmother in her late 60's, along with a few others that have rattled my emotional cage. I've spent too much of the little time we get in life planning or thinking about what I wanted to do, but not really doing much. It's time to revisit plans for the future.

With the success of the sale of the rocking chair and quilt, I thought again about the possibility of opening an etsy shop. It's incredibly inexpensive, the site is so well known that marketing isn't an issue (for the site as a whole, not for an individual shop), and I wouldn't have to be wed to a single type of art. I haven't made up my mind yet, but I have given it serious thought and spent a ton of time looking at prospective "competition." What I see are thousands of people who did more than talk about it and who are enjoying creating and selling their creations.

Here's hoping for just a pinch more courage.