Change is hard!

I don't even know where to begin. I've really been struggling for a long time now with so many facets of my life. I feel like I'm getting old so fast and falling apart at the seams. I feel frumpy and dumpy, especially when I have to attend events with the Uber rich in Orange County (the most painful social gatherings for me!). As I've fussed about before, I stress about sharing my artwork because it's so personal and I haven't practiced tolerating criticism.

The first thing I decided to do to get OUT of this slump was to give up control of the things I've been doing that have NOT been working for me and trust friends and experts who may have alternative suggestions. I found myself going back to a hair salon that I used to frequent. I've known the owner/stylist for ten years and was comfortable sharing some of my worries. He looked me in the face, asked me how direct he could be (I told him to be brutal) and he said that he felt that I was just letting life happen to me and that he felt if I could give in to some changes, both outside and inside and with which he would love to work with me, he thinks I would feel less burdened and maybe even start to blossom. What the heck. My way hasn't produced. So I just gave him free reign to play. The result is that for the first time since I was four years old, I'm blonde! Eeeeeeeeeek! It will take some getting used to and I may decide I can't take it, but it's liberating to let go of some of that stress and feeling of same old same old. (Is that the right way to type it?).

I'm so proud of my sister Lisa who has taken a HUGE leap with her artwork and found a market for it in Minnesota. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for her and feeling inspired. My dearest friend Deb, in an effort to help me feel more comfortable sharing my work, has asked me to create two art dolls for a benefit auction for the local Girls and Boys Club. I have about a month and am actually really excited to have this "homework" and a deadline. I'm going to focus on changing my attitude and increasing my confidence. I shall remind myself that this isn't a competition, art is supposed to be fun and I'm not half bad.

With Kevin in high school, jazz band and marching band, I have found myself overwhelmed with trying to fit in all the housework and chores along with all of the running him around all over the place. I haven't done a thing in the studio for a few weeks. I look at other friends (I'm thinking of Amy in CO right now) who has two kids and a lot of activities, but still does her voice over stuff and improv. I should certainly be able to manage making an ATC after I vacuum!

Thank you Lisa, Al, Deb and Amy for helping me.

Time flew when I wasn't looking

It's been a month since I last posted. I've been busy, but with everything except art. Ugh.

School starts next week and my son will be starting high school. We haven't done much to get ready, distracted by time commitment to marching band. Our biggest challenge right now is that he wants to start high school without benefit of his ADHD medication. Last night he talked about how much he wants to feel "normal," which he says he doesn't feel if he needs medication. Typically Mom, I ran through the list of friends and family that all take medication for one thing or another, explained that he certainly doesn't have to share the information about his medication with anyone and pointed out that he wears glasses to "normalize" his sight, blah blah blah. I think that's what he hears. So I'm trying a new approach. I am trying so very hard not simply to dictate the decision, but talk with him about it, listen to his position and problem solve together. This is hard for me.

We will figure out techniques for improving his organizational skills to compensate for his terrible working memory. There is no medication for that problem. I'm still not convinced that ditching meds is the right thing to do, but I appreciate how much he has improved even when not on meds (as was the case all summer), and I appreciate his passion for his position. He's not bipolar or schizophrenic, just a spaz monkey. I'm reading books, blogs and web sites with information from every angle. I've talked with his doctor who tells me that kids CAN grow out of it, or adolescence can make it worse. Gee, thanks for the help. His advice has always been to just give it a try (going without meds) and see how it works. The notion of "giving it a whirl" is a little nerve wracking for me, although the beasty boy thinks it's a great idea.

Today I'll get some time in the studio with the music going to try to clear my head, get back on track and do some project planning. Maybe helping Kevin get more organized will help me too. I think back to my friend Leslie, a consultant at the hospital that offered a great seminar on getting organized, making deadlines and reducing distractions and stress. Sadly, I never really thought about applying those techniques at home. I think I'll start today. Step 1 - create a "to do" list of no more than three items. Have the list clearly visible. Every time I find myself distracted, return my attention to the list. As I complete something, check it off but do NOT add another item to the list until those things are done. There's no self-imposed deadline for completing the tasks. Step 2 - keep the work surface clear of everything but the thing on which I'm working. Clutter is distracting.

I can do this.

Following my own rules

I've been trying to make something every day. It's been nice. While my back is about to explode (because I'm falling apart at the seams), I refused to let it be an excuse and went into the studio. I couldn't figure out what to do with the paper I made in the class I took with Traci Bautista. I'm just not equipped yet to try more of what she taught - I'll be able to try more when her book arrives. I decided to apply it to the sides of the shelf I've had to move in the studio. Since those sides are the first thing someone will see walking into the room, I figured it couldn't hurt. It actually came out OK! I even painted the bottom of the shelf. Maybe everyone else doesn't look, but I do. I also made another ATC. It's hard to stop criticizing myself about the quality of the cards. The advice about just making art and stopping the internal criticizing is hard to keep in the forefront of my brain, but I'm trying.

I've got nothing fabulous or amusing to add. I'm happy with myself for continuing to make a daily effort at producing art and will leave it at that.

Inspiration Overload

Is it possible? The last week has been a whirlwind of varying degrees of inspiration to work, work, work in the studio. Frustrated that my art supplies are either in an old painted lingerie dresser or in a dark closet, my husband insisted we head to Ikea to find storage that would work for me. In less than four minutes, I spotted the perfect tall glass-fronted cabinet. He insisted I buy two. So while it has put a kink in production in the sense that I must completely (ugh!) rearrange the furniture and (double ugh!!) take down everything on the walls, patch and paint those spots, then rearrange furniture more, the end result will be a markedly improved final work room.

On Wednesday, I took my first ever art workshop with Traci Bautista at the International Quilt Festival in Long Beach. The class was entitled "Monotypes and Drizzles." I was terrified on arrival, worried that everyone would be better than me, that I'd be lost in terms of following instructions, etc. It was a real challenge for me, and stuff that is well outside the realm of what I do, but it was a great learning experience with a superbly patient and creative instructor. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to attend the Friday class I'd signed up for, but did end up being able to return to see the actual quilt show and visit a few vendors and pick up some amazing fabrics, trims and threads for future projects. I watched people in workshops trying things new to them. We played like we did when we were little kids with artsy muck on our hands, wiping the goo on our shirts without a care in the world, and just had fun making something. For me, the something was painted papers - tissue, paper towels, copy paper. What fun.

Not to beat a dead horse, but I kept reminding myself of artist Lisa Vollrath's advice throughout the weekend. I stopped comparing myself and my art to everyone else and theirs, and really did become wildly inspired. I looked at the details of quilts and got new ideas, really thought about what I liked and what methods were used that were new to me. I found myself plotting projects, eager to try those new techniques. The experience was liberating instead of daunting. That's new for me.

Following the quilt show, my husband and I took his college buddy visiting from Iowa to the Laguna Arts Festival here in So Cal. Instead of focusing on the artists' commercial success and mentally beating myself up for not making enough effort, I really looked at techniques, thought about what attracted me to some pieces vs. others and found even more inspiration for future projects.

Today I am home alone, a rarity in this household. After racing through chores, I'll be finishing assembling the 2nd cabinet for the studio and patch the nail holes as I relocate the displayed art, all the while planning projects and jotting down notes and sketches while I work, enjoying the inspiration that consumed the weekend. There should be more days like this. I will make it happen instead of just waiting for that to happen.

Trying to finish projects

What a frustrating day! I decided that I really should try to finish half-completed (or less) projects before starting a lot more, though I can't really stand the thought of just doing one project at a time. So I'll start one new project (a "strips and curves" quilt) and complete one old project (a long past due unfinished quilt) for now. Of course, I'm still sneaking a little time in the studio to work on the Monday project.

Today's mission was to select a new focus fabric for the new quilt I'm starting. The one I had chosen before just wouldn't work. I drove forever to what USED to be a fantastic shop loaded with a zillion fabric choices. I was stunned to walk in and find row after row of scrapbooking materials, but a gigantic empty wall where the fabric used to be! I stopped in my tracks and asked what happened. They looked at me like I was from Mars and asked what I meant. It's a little hard to miss an entire wall of empty cubbies that used to hold fabric, so I pointed it out to the goobers. They said that because of the economy, they were cutting back on inventory. I pointed out that there was a total of a mile of aisle of scrapbooking stuff, but not many people can make much with fat quarters of fabric (just about all they had). I tried really hard to find something, anything, I could use, but left with my lower lip extended a little. I ended up at (choke, gag) Jo-Ann Fabrics. Yuck. Their inventory consists of the same fabric (and I swear even the same bolts) they had last year and the year before. After 3.5 hours out and about, I came home with a measly three bits of fabric and a pinch of thread. Ugh.

On a positive note, I'll be at the International Quilt Festival in Long Beach next week and know I'll be able to buy fabric. Even though it can be a little crampbed and disoragnized, it's so much fun to be surrounded with thousands of people that enjoy creating as much as I do. Woohoo! I can't wait.

My first challenge

Today I received my first "Make It Mondays" challenge via Facebook. Lisa Vollrath has so much good common sense advice about creating art and I'm trying like mad to take it all to heart as I start. Creating work without self criticism is tough! Today I read Lisa's comments about art not being a competitive sport, noting that we should be inspired by the work of other artists, not wasting time or energy criticizing their work or our own. Motivated by the challenge for this week of creating something with paper scraps, I marched into the studio to get started. It took a while. I don't have a lot of paper bits. Pulling out the few pieces I had (and used previously on my business cards), I started looking at paper not designed for art. I pulled out magazine clippings, an old Pottery Barn catalog and some children's books for inspiration. The modge podge came out, along with the scissors and an xacto knife. I haven't used that one in a while! For an hour I puttered with clipping, folding, tearing and gluing bits. I'm not quite finished with the project, but took the time to stop and look at what I'd accomplished. It's good for a chuckle, if nothing else. I'm just not at the point where I don't criticize myself, but the critic isn't so brutal today. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I had fun making the mess. I am reminded, once again, that this is the entire point. Today was fun and, for once, I feel like a LOT of the pressure is off to create a masterpiece.

Tomorrow, I'll spend more time on the Frankenstein in my studio. It's a mish-mash of stuff, but it's a good mess.

I swore I'd never write about my cats...

Today I'm making a single exception. What the heck kind of cat eats avocados? My son asked why there was an avacado in the dining room, to which I had no logical response. I thought about it for a second, then asked if it had chomp marks on it. It did. That scrawny beast took it from the kitchen and ran with it. Those suckers are expensive, and the brat didn't even eat it. He just made it inedible for us human folk. I can only assume that the reason his scrawny behind has been sitting by the kitty toys all afternoon is because he's nursing a sprained neck from carrying the big load. Serves him right. I guess Albert the Racoon is going to have himself quite the lovely snack tonight to go with his kitty food.

Dumb cat.