I've got icing on my cake!

I've loosely quoted artist Lisa Vollrath here a couple of times because she means business when she writes and it all hits home for me. On her website, she writes about art not being a competitive sport, noting that if our art makes us happy, it has served it's purpose. If others express some pleasure or appreciation for our art, that's icing on the cake. This most recent piece of mine elicited some icing. Woohoo! I suppose it's not as important as my own appreciation for it (and I really love this one if I do say so myself), but it's still nice to have others express an appreciation for it as well. I am motivated to do more.

I did it! I finished a project!!

The self-kicking (and a little help from a cyber pal :-) got me in gear. I pulled out a piece that I started ages and ages ago and just couldn't figure out how to finish. I tore the studio apart (it's really quite dreadful), pulling out fabric, tearing it, painting, stitching, re-thinking process when the stitching broke - argh - but getting it done. I think this is actually my favourite of all the pieces I've made, in part because it's different and out-of-the-box for me. The pics are quickies without proper lighting, but I promised myself that I'd post a photo today, so I'm doing it. What a great feeling! I should have whomped on my own behind much sooner.

I'm trying too hard

Ever since my friend asked me to contribute two art pieces for a fundraiser/auction for the Boys and Girls Club next month, I've been making myself nuts. On the one hand, I've really wanted to get back to making my art dolls (how I choke on that term), but also feel compelled to try something different. The frozen state of mind I've been experiencing for days should be a big, fat loud signal to stop trying so hard. Stop trying to do some of everything, stop feeling frantic about how to do it all, stop behaving as if I just had that one more bit, piece or product in the studio, I could do something fresh. I haven't even written here because I've been floundering so much that my brain just stops when I sit down to write.

So I'm taking a two minute break here, then I'm going into the studio. I'm not going to buy one more piece of fabric, glue, paint, bead, wire, or tool. I've got enough to keep me busy for bloody ever. I will show respect for my friends and supporters and everything they have said to inspire and encourage me, I will throw on my "making art" clothes and work until it's time to pick up Kevin from school. So there!

Tomorrow, I'm going to post a picture of whatever I've accomplished. No more freaking out, no more worrying or comparing myself to others. Time for just enough pressure on myself to do SOMETHING and create a deadline to get that something done, even if it's just the commitment to post the picture.

Until tomorrow.....

Change is hard!

I don't even know where to begin. I've really been struggling for a long time now with so many facets of my life. I feel like I'm getting old so fast and falling apart at the seams. I feel frumpy and dumpy, especially when I have to attend events with the Uber rich in Orange County (the most painful social gatherings for me!). As I've fussed about before, I stress about sharing my artwork because it's so personal and I haven't practiced tolerating criticism.

The first thing I decided to do to get OUT of this slump was to give up control of the things I've been doing that have NOT been working for me and trust friends and experts who may have alternative suggestions. I found myself going back to a hair salon that I used to frequent. I've known the owner/stylist for ten years and was comfortable sharing some of my worries. He looked me in the face, asked me how direct he could be (I told him to be brutal) and he said that he felt that I was just letting life happen to me and that he felt if I could give in to some changes, both outside and inside and with which he would love to work with me, he thinks I would feel less burdened and maybe even start to blossom. What the heck. My way hasn't produced. So I just gave him free reign to play. The result is that for the first time since I was four years old, I'm blonde! Eeeeeeeeeek! It will take some getting used to and I may decide I can't take it, but it's liberating to let go of some of that stress and feeling of same old same old. (Is that the right way to type it?).

I'm so proud of my sister Lisa who has taken a HUGE leap with her artwork and found a market for it in Minnesota. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for her and feeling inspired. My dearest friend Deb, in an effort to help me feel more comfortable sharing my work, has asked me to create two art dolls for a benefit auction for the local Girls and Boys Club. I have about a month and am actually really excited to have this "homework" and a deadline. I'm going to focus on changing my attitude and increasing my confidence. I shall remind myself that this isn't a competition, art is supposed to be fun and I'm not half bad.

With Kevin in high school, jazz band and marching band, I have found myself overwhelmed with trying to fit in all the housework and chores along with all of the running him around all over the place. I haven't done a thing in the studio for a few weeks. I look at other friends (I'm thinking of Amy in CO right now) who has two kids and a lot of activities, but still does her voice over stuff and improv. I should certainly be able to manage making an ATC after I vacuum!

Thank you Lisa, Al, Deb and Amy for helping me.

Time flew when I wasn't looking

It's been a month since I last posted. I've been busy, but with everything except art. Ugh.

School starts next week and my son will be starting high school. We haven't done much to get ready, distracted by time commitment to marching band. Our biggest challenge right now is that he wants to start high school without benefit of his ADHD medication. Last night he talked about how much he wants to feel "normal," which he says he doesn't feel if he needs medication. Typically Mom, I ran through the list of friends and family that all take medication for one thing or another, explained that he certainly doesn't have to share the information about his medication with anyone and pointed out that he wears glasses to "normalize" his sight, blah blah blah. I think that's what he hears. So I'm trying a new approach. I am trying so very hard not simply to dictate the decision, but talk with him about it, listen to his position and problem solve together. This is hard for me.

We will figure out techniques for improving his organizational skills to compensate for his terrible working memory. There is no medication for that problem. I'm still not convinced that ditching meds is the right thing to do, but I appreciate how much he has improved even when not on meds (as was the case all summer), and I appreciate his passion for his position. He's not bipolar or schizophrenic, just a spaz monkey. I'm reading books, blogs and web sites with information from every angle. I've talked with his doctor who tells me that kids CAN grow out of it, or adolescence can make it worse. Gee, thanks for the help. His advice has always been to just give it a try (going without meds) and see how it works. The notion of "giving it a whirl" is a little nerve wracking for me, although the beasty boy thinks it's a great idea.

Today I'll get some time in the studio with the music going to try to clear my head, get back on track and do some project planning. Maybe helping Kevin get more organized will help me too. I think back to my friend Leslie, a consultant at the hospital that offered a great seminar on getting organized, making deadlines and reducing distractions and stress. Sadly, I never really thought about applying those techniques at home. I think I'll start today. Step 1 - create a "to do" list of no more than three items. Have the list clearly visible. Every time I find myself distracted, return my attention to the list. As I complete something, check it off but do NOT add another item to the list until those things are done. There's no self-imposed deadline for completing the tasks. Step 2 - keep the work surface clear of everything but the thing on which I'm working. Clutter is distracting.

I can do this.

Following my own rules

I've been trying to make something every day. It's been nice. While my back is about to explode (because I'm falling apart at the seams), I refused to let it be an excuse and went into the studio. I couldn't figure out what to do with the paper I made in the class I took with Traci Bautista. I'm just not equipped yet to try more of what she taught - I'll be able to try more when her book arrives. I decided to apply it to the sides of the shelf I've had to move in the studio. Since those sides are the first thing someone will see walking into the room, I figured it couldn't hurt. It actually came out OK! I even painted the bottom of the shelf. Maybe everyone else doesn't look, but I do. I also made another ATC. It's hard to stop criticizing myself about the quality of the cards. The advice about just making art and stopping the internal criticizing is hard to keep in the forefront of my brain, but I'm trying.

I've got nothing fabulous or amusing to add. I'm happy with myself for continuing to make a daily effort at producing art and will leave it at that.

Inspiration Overload

Is it possible? The last week has been a whirlwind of varying degrees of inspiration to work, work, work in the studio. Frustrated that my art supplies are either in an old painted lingerie dresser or in a dark closet, my husband insisted we head to Ikea to find storage that would work for me. In less than four minutes, I spotted the perfect tall glass-fronted cabinet. He insisted I buy two. So while it has put a kink in production in the sense that I must completely (ugh!) rearrange the furniture and (double ugh!!) take down everything on the walls, patch and paint those spots, then rearrange furniture more, the end result will be a markedly improved final work room.

On Wednesday, I took my first ever art workshop with Traci Bautista at the International Quilt Festival in Long Beach. The class was entitled "Monotypes and Drizzles." I was terrified on arrival, worried that everyone would be better than me, that I'd be lost in terms of following instructions, etc. It was a real challenge for me, and stuff that is well outside the realm of what I do, but it was a great learning experience with a superbly patient and creative instructor. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to attend the Friday class I'd signed up for, but did end up being able to return to see the actual quilt show and visit a few vendors and pick up some amazing fabrics, trims and threads for future projects. I watched people in workshops trying things new to them. We played like we did when we were little kids with artsy muck on our hands, wiping the goo on our shirts without a care in the world, and just had fun making something. For me, the something was painted papers - tissue, paper towels, copy paper. What fun.

Not to beat a dead horse, but I kept reminding myself of artist Lisa Vollrath's advice throughout the weekend. I stopped comparing myself and my art to everyone else and theirs, and really did become wildly inspired. I looked at the details of quilts and got new ideas, really thought about what I liked and what methods were used that were new to me. I found myself plotting projects, eager to try those new techniques. The experience was liberating instead of daunting. That's new for me.

Following the quilt show, my husband and I took his college buddy visiting from Iowa to the Laguna Arts Festival here in So Cal. Instead of focusing on the artists' commercial success and mentally beating myself up for not making enough effort, I really looked at techniques, thought about what attracted me to some pieces vs. others and found even more inspiration for future projects.

Today I am home alone, a rarity in this household. After racing through chores, I'll be finishing assembling the 2nd cabinet for the studio and patch the nail holes as I relocate the displayed art, all the while planning projects and jotting down notes and sketches while I work, enjoying the inspiration that consumed the weekend. There should be more days like this. I will make it happen instead of just waiting for that to happen.